FYI The wife has been in the hospital since August 29 with low blood platelets and a bad reaction to medication that resulted in what has been described as being akin to third degree burns over most of her upper body and a bunch of other symptoms that one day will result in a reenactment on TLC's "Medical Mysteries".
On the plus side, I just got HBO and Cinemax for $10 a month from our cable company. HBO On Demand is awesome. Now I can watch "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and "Norbit" ANYTIME I WANT. Not just when the man*tells me I can.
*Andrew Goldman , VP, Program Planning & Scheduling, HBO/Cinemax
Warning: Do not give your personal information to horpsefusker.org. They will totally send you unsolicited email, even if you check the "opt out" button when you submit your contest entry.
Hospitalization So, the wife has been in the hospital since last Monday. I guess her kidneys are broken or something (something something renal failure something). On the plus side, this nun at the hospital gave me a whole bunch of meal vouchers for the cafeteria, which is AWESOME. They have pizza, fried chicken, burritos, a salad bar, Snapple, pecan pie, and more cheesecakes than you can shake a stick at (assuming a stick-shaking span of less then 10 degrees). It's funny, cause the wife is on this special renal diet which consists of meals such as half of a cold hamburger patty, one sprig of slimy lettuce, a cup of canned fruit cocktail, and two impossible-to-bite-into stale sugar cookies. She gets so mad when I tell her what I ate for dinner. She starts to cry and say things like "It's not fair! Why do I have to eat this crap while you get to eat whatever you want, for free, from the cafeteria?" Women! Anyhoo, she'll be discharged later today, or sometime next week, we're still not sure.
Since I last wrote, my wife has both been hospitalized for 3 weeks and started her own bath product/jewelry company. BUY SOMETHING! SHE'S SICK! WHY MUST YOU DEPRIVE HER OF HER PRECIOUS MEDICINE BY FAILING TO PROCURE YOUR BATH PRODUCTS FROM HER WEBSITE? THAT'S RIGHT, UNTIL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU JERKS BUYS SOMETHING FROM HER SITE, I WILL BE WITHHOLDING HER MEDS!
'Roid Indifference There recently was a raid on several "antiaging and wellness centers" that the feds allege were nothing more than fronts for a steroid and HGH distribution ring. There are 3 major league players whose names have been associated with these raids: Gary Matthews Jr, Jerry Hairston Jr., and David Bell. Matthews Jr. in the son of former major leaguer Gary Matthews, Hairston Jr. is the son of former major leaguer Jerry Hairston, and Bell is the son of former major leaguer Buddy Bell (and grandson of former major leaguer Gus Bell).
Though unrelated to these recent raids, Barry Bonds (son of Bobby Bonds) is widely alleged to have taken illegal substances. Pete Rose Jr. (use context clues) was convicted last year of distributing gamma butyrolactone (GBL), a drug sometimes sold as a steroid alternative, to his minor league teammates. I think baseball is looking in the wrong direction. They don't have steroid issues, they have daddy issues.
Oxy-Countin' Ever since the wife was cursed by God with disease, she's complained that she feels like a prisoner in her own home... She's not able to just go out and do what she wants to do like us able-bodied folks. The doctors have not helped the situation, as she recently has been tethered to the house (via a 50-foot long tube attached to an oxygen compressor). Luckilly, she'll still able to get to her doctor appointments (general practitioner, rheumatologist, hematologist, nephrologist, pulmonologist, and 2 other kinds of ologists I can't recall right now) every month with her portable oxygen canisters. They weigh about 30 pounds each, and hopefully we'll get insurance approval for a cart for them soon. Today, she goes in to the doctor to find out the results of her spleen ultrasound. Hopefully things will go well, but she knew my position on spleenless freaks before she married me.
A Very Special Thanksgiving Memory My favorite Thanksgiving memory happened when I was 14 or so. Mother had asked me to set the table, or vacuum, or some other sort of menial work that would normally done by the womenfolk if they weren't so busy squawking away in the kitchen about doilies and knitting, or whatever it is they normally talk about. I was dilly-dallying a little, watching the game, when mother walked into the den to remind me to set the table (or vacuum). "And you'd better hurry up," she continued, "because your father's been DRINKING!" I sat there, dumbfounded. Was that a threat? A warning? The worst thing my father has ever done while drunk is to slightly embarrass me when he giggled for hours because he was seeing two of everything. In fact, I believe a far more serious threat would be "You'd better hurry up, because your father hasn't started DRINKING yet!"
David Caruso...Miami Style Since even I, Mr. Pop Culture Expert, was a complete neophyte to the David Caruso school of acting, I thought others might get a kick out of this as well:
JonBenet John Mark Karr obviously confessed to further his investigation into the case. By confessing to the crime, he will be able to see a whole lot of evidence that has previously been kept from the public. Then, once it becomes apparant that he wasn't within 1000 miles of the crime scene, he'll be acquitted, finish his book (with a new wacky subplot of how his obsession with the case turned him into the same kind of monster he was invesigating) and sell it to the highest bidder. Plus, he got a free flight back from Thailand! That's got to normally cost at least a grand.
Laws and Stuff Is it just me, or is the media's handling of court rulings becoming more and more infuriating? It's always "a major setback for gay rights" or "anti-Wal-Mart unions dealt serious blow." They make it sound like the court made a value judgement of some sort. You expect a quote from the judge like "Wal-Mart workers don't deserve health insurance. They're dumb and lazy, and I think that guy who greets people out front is a mongoloid." Then, when you actually read the article, the ruling is always based on whether state or federal law is more applicable. Still, the losing side never helps matters any. It's always "This is an injustice!" as opposed to "We all know what the Constitution says, so we fully expected this ruling. We're just hoping to raise enough awareness of our issue so that one day all laws will be in our favor." In conclusion, media bad. I like pudding.
Things My Grandpa Told Me Did I ever tell yers about good ol' Skinny Boy Martin? He and yer ol' grandpa here used to travel the ol' vaudeville circuit together. We were a comedy team. I was the straight man, and ol' Skinny Boy...heh heh heh...Well, let's just say he didn't have a "straight" bone in his body. Yep, ol' Skinny Boy was queerer than a five dollar bill on a Greek holiday. But the audience didn't seem to mind, so neither did yer ol' grandpa. Ol' Skinny Boy was always threatening to go out on his own...to be a solo act. I didn't think he was ready. Didn't have the "chops", as they would say at yer local lamb shankery. But ol' Skinny Boy, he was as stubborn as a ten dollar bill in a Japanese internment camp. Did Skinny Boy listen to yer ol' grandpa? Of course not. One night, Skinny Boy shook my hand, thanked me for the memories, and stepped out on stage all by himself. That audience tore him apart. Literally. I still have his foot in my crisper.
Blog Entry I have important things to say. I have thoughts on important topics that no one has ever expressed before. People read my musings, then form their own opinions accordingly. I set the cultural zeitgeist table with smarmy allusions and a lazy susan of awesomeness that never stops spinning. As a boy, I was voted "Child Whose Eyes Most Resemble Absolute Purity" by my peers.
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